We all know that there are various life events that cause huge amounts of stress – births, deaths, illness, house moves and so on – but very often, there are few that get left off the list, meaning they sneak up and catch us unaware. Renovations, and even seemingly simple home improvements, are prime examples of these.
While renovating a house is hugely exciting and, most of the time, very rewarding, it can also be exhausting, both physically and mentally, meaning it can put a huge amount of pressure on a relationship, particularly for those who have bravely decided to live on site while the project is underway. In fact, according to a recent survey by finance provider Novuna, nearly one in five homeowners (19%) say that a home improvement project has lead to them considering separation – or even resulted in an actual breakup.
Having carried out numerous renovations over the years, I am no stranger to DIY disputes with my husband. Just lately we have been carrying out a few smaller home upgrades which have reminded me of the importance of finding the best ways to work together in order to remain on speaking terms. Here's what I've learned over the years (and what I'm still trying to get better at).
1. Start with a crystal clear plan for the project
While the fact that a renovation project runs more smoothly when you have a firm plan of what's on the agenda is hardly breaking news, it is amazing how ill-prepared we were when we embarked on all of our projects. So much stress and, subsequently, niggles, could have been side-stepped had we been more organised.
We completely failed to devise a proper schedule of works in the past, both when building the extension as well as when remodelling the interiors, which basically meant that total chaos ensued as we haphazardly went around knocking down walls and ripping out bathrooms before carrying out jobs that should have come first.
On some more recent, albeit less disruptive, home improvement tasks, such as redecorating the ground floor spaces and remodelling our teenage son's bedroom, we have been far more organised in our approach and guess what? Knowing what we were doing, and when, made for a much happier process overall.
2. Don't let the project take over your entire lives
If you are living on site while renovating, as we did, the project can easily become all-consuming and it is incredibly difficult to switch off from it all when you are surrounded by everything that still needs doing.
It is so important to remember that there is more to your lives than just the building work around you, something Giulia P. Davis, LMFT, a licensed therapist and founder of Mycelia Therapy, is keen to point out. "Couples can accidentally turn their relationship into a project-management meeting. Suddenly, every conversation is about budgets, deliveries, contractors, paint colours, or what needs to be done next. You can be communicating constantly and still feel emotionally disconnected."
So what does Giulia suggest? "I don't think the goal should be to prevent every renovation argument. Some disagreement is inevitable. A more useful goal is to keep the renovation from becoming the place where every unresolved relationship issue gets aired."
Giulia is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Mycelia Therapy. She works with high-achieving individuals and couples/polycules navigating burnout, ambition, and relationship strain.
3. You won't agree on everything – and that's ok
Something I have found really useful over the years is realising that while my husband and I do have fairly similar tastes when it comes to the interior design trends we like, and how we want the house to look and feel overall, that isn't always going to be the case. Likewise, we work in really different ways – as soon as something needs doing, he has to jump into action and when he does, he works really methodically. I, on the other hand, could probably snag myself a gold medal in procrastination, and operate on a disorderly kind of schedule. But you know what? That's ok.
What matters most is that we understand our different ways of working and navigate this accordingly. Dr. Sarah Boss, psychiatrist and clinical director at The Balance, believes that you don't have to agree on everything in order for a home upgrade project to run smoothly. "Home renovations are one of the most reliable stress tests a relationship can face because they compress every potential conflict trigger into one sustained project: money, aesthetics, decision fatigue, living in disruption, and the constant negotiation of whose vision takes priority.
"The couples who navigate it well are almost never the ones who agree on everything," reveals Dr. Boss. "They're the ones who have established in advance which decisions belong to whom and where the genuine non-negotiables are, so that every choice doesn't become a referendum on whose taste or judgment matters more."
Dr. Sarah Boss is a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and Clinical Director with over a decade of experience in mental health and integrative care. She currently serves as Clinical Director at The Balance and Medical Director.
4. The 70:30 method can prevent so many niggles
I really wish I had known about the 70:30 method the first time we renovated – it would have helped so much. Now I have got to grips with the concept, all kinds of projects (and life in general) have started to run a little more smoothly.
"The 70:30 method has real merit as a framework precisely because it moves away from the fiction of perfect equality in decision-making," picks up Dr. Sarah Boss. "Fifty-fifty sounds fair, but in practice it means every decision requires full consensus, which is exhausting and breeds resentment when one person consistently compromises more than the other without it being acknowledged.
"Dividing domains – for example where one partner leads on structural and renovation budget decisions and the other on interiors and finishes – reduces the decision load and gives each person genuine ownership of something. The method works best when the division reflects actual strengths and preferences rather than being arbitrarily assigned, and when both partners agree upfront that delegated decisions are genuinely delegated rather than subject to veto after the fact."
Giulia P. Davis is also a fan of this approach, with one caveat. "I see value in a 70:30 approach because couples don't need equal control over every decision; they need to feel equally important. If one partner cares enormously about the kitchen design and the other barely has an opinion, giving the more invested partner the lead can reduce pointless negotiation. But they should share a 'veto' for decisions that significantly affect finances, comfort, or the other person's daily life."
5. Time away from the house is key to happiness
This is possibly the best thing you can do if you feel your relationship is going a little bit off the rails during a renovation – down tools and get on out of there.
I used to feel guilty for taking a day off from our renovation project when there was clearly so much to do, and there is no getting away from the fact that having break means renovation timelines get stretched a little, but in the grand scheme of things this is so beneficial. Stepping away from the rubble, dust and general mayhem gives you a chance to claw back a little perspective on the whole thing and, even if you find yourselves talking about the project while you are out and about, you will usually find you return with a sense of clarity and renewed enthusiasm that wasn't there before.
Giulia P. Davis is of the opinion that you should put rules in place before the project begins in order to ensure your relationship survives renovation stress.
"I'd introduce something I call a 'relationship budget.' Alongside the renovation budget, agree on what you're protecting: one evening a week with no renovation talk, regular meals together, or a rule that disagreements don't continue once either person is too overwhelmed to have a productive conversation. The renovation will eventually end. Your relationship has to survive the process – not just the finished house."
FAQs
Could a project manager help prevent renovation rows?
While a project manager isn't always needed for every renovation – for example on small one-room projects, or where you are already an experienced renovator with plenty of time to spare – when it comes to ensuring the smooth running of a renovation, co-ordinating trades and keeping the whole thing on budget, their input can often be invaluable. What this means is that hiring a project manager can take the pressure off a relationship.
That said, you need to be prepared to see your professional fees rise – project managers tend to charge between between 3%-7% of the overall build cost. It is worth bearing in mind, however, that many renovators and self-builders report that hiring a project manager meant it was easier to keep things on budget overall.
If you are toying with the idea of taking on a doer-upper, make sure you know how to assess a home for renovation before taking the plunge – it could save you a huge amount of heartache later down the line.
